Through the Bottom of the Bottle
by homesweethomicide13
Summary: Barda has always been so laid-back and serious in the eyes of Lief and Jasmine, but one night they see the other side of Barda – the side they find much more fun.


**Title:** Through the Bottom of the Bottle  
**Author:** homesweethomicide13  
**Rating:** T  
**Pairing:** Jarda, sort of one-sided but not quite…  
**Warning:** Alcohol mentions, probably some foul language and adult themes  
**Disclaimer:** I want to own him, one day, but until then Barda does not belong to me. Nor does Doom… or any of the others, for that matter…  
**Summary:** Barda has always been so laid-back and serious in the eyes of Lief and Jasmine, but one night they see the other side of Barda – the side they find much more fun.

_**Author's Note:** Okay, so LadyLapisLazuli's recent LJ fic inspired me to re-write one of my Jarda stories where Barda starts off drunk... XD Well, anyway, I changed a bit about the ending, since it was too typical and predictable (some might say it still is, but shh) but other than that I pretty much stuck to the original. Drunk Barda, and the things he does, are all inspired by stories I've been told about myself when I'm in a similar state XD_

**Through the Bottom of the Bottle**

It was a quiet night at the palace, and Lief and Jasmine were sat in one of the dining rooms, enjoying a peaceful evening in the company of their close friends. Instead of worrying about the latest problems in Deltora – nothing serious like another invasion of Shadow Lord spies, but trivial things – Lief had decided to relax for the night. A few bottles of wine had been opened, and everyone had a glass in their hand, sitting in comfortable chairs and all of them in high spirits. Doom, instead of wine, was drinking whiskey, and Lindal – who was not a wine-drinker at all – had a glass of dark rum. All of their good friends were present – except for Barda, who had been working in his office when they'd last seen him. Of course, that had been hours ago, and no one knew where he was now.

The conversation was light and friendly, with humour floating around now and then as someone indulged the others in a funny story of their past, or even something that had happened recently. Ranesh was about to tell his story about how he'd had to help a couple of palace guards free themselves from one of the trees in the gardens, when the door at the far end of the room opened and a palace guard walked through, holding open the door. A wheelbarrow was pushed through by a second guard, and in the wheelbarrow was a bundle of blue, gold and black. As the guards came closer to their sitting area, Doom sighed and stood up.

"Not again." He murmured, setting his glass down. "How bad is it this time, Morgan?" The guard walking in front grinned.

"Never seen him drink that much in my life, sir." Lief peered at the other guard. He didn't appear to be drunk at all, so what were they talking about? His eyes dropped to the bundle in the wheelbarrow, and realized that it was, in fact, another guard. "He must have cleaned off at least ten bottles of whiskey, and that was just at the beginning." The wheelbarrow was set down and Doom leant over it. He shook his head with a sigh and suddenly belted the guy in the face. There was a low groan of annoyance, and the guard in the wheelbarrow lifted his head.

"Get the fuck up, Barda." Doom growled. Lief's jaw dropped – it was _Barda_ in the wheelbarrow? Indeed, seconds later, Barda tipped himself out of the wheelbarrow, uniform in disarray and looking rather dishevelled himself. "Thanks, Morgan."

"No problem, sir. Just doing the Chief a favour by getting him out of that bar before he started another fight." Doom buried his face in his hand as Barda struggled to stand up. The guard, Morgan, jerked forward as Barda swayed unsteadily, and quickly put an arm around Barda's back. "Come on, Chief, we don't want to end up on the floor again, do we?" Morgan was struggling to hold back a smile, Lief could tell. Barda grinned.

"No! That would be very bad…" Barda's voice was heavily slurred. "The floor hurts."

"Yes, it does. It'll hurt even more tomorrow." Morgan rolled his eyes at Doom, who took the unsteady chief from him. "I'll leave him with you, sir." Doom nodded, and the two guards left with the wheelbarrow. All eyes turned to Doom and Barda, who was having trouble standing still even with Doom holding onto him securely.

"Is Barda drunk, by any chance?" Marilen laughed.

"If he isn't then he has some serious balance issues." Ranesh smirked. A quiet laugh went around the group and Doom sighed.

"This has been happening more often recently." He said quietly. "Come on, you damn drunkard, sit down where you can't do yourself any damage." He noticed the split lip and darkening bruise on his jaw, and the bloody knuckles on one hand, and sighed again. "Well, do yourself any _more_ damage." He dumped Barda in a chair next to his.

"Are you alright, Barda?" Sharn asked, putting a hand on his arm.

"Me? I'm just perfect, m'lady!" Barda laughed, producing a bottle of whiskey and bringing it to his lips.

"Where did he get that from?" Jasmine asked with a surprised laugh. It was true – Barda had seemingly produced it from thin air. Doom rolled his eyes skyward.

"I don't know, but I know where it's going." He grabbed the bottle and wrenched it out of Barda's grasp. Barda frowned and tried to take it back.

"That wasn't nice, Doom! I was drinking that." He scowled. "If you wanted some, you could have just asked." Lief stifled a laugh.

"You've had enough to drink, Barda. I'm confiscating it." Doom growled, setting the bottle on the table, out of reach.

"Aww, Doom, let him have it." Lindal grinned. "This could be very entertaining." She slid the bottle back towards Barda, who grabbed it quickly and shot Lindal a gorgeous grin.

"That's why I like you, Lindal! You and me, we're like…" He made a motion with one finger, gesturing frantically at the both of their heads. "Yeah." And then he lifted the bottle and took a huge swig. Doom glared at Lindal.

"It may be entertaining for you, but I'm the one who has to clean up the mess in the morning."

"Lighten up, Doom. He's having fun." Marilen piped up, grinning at Barda, who was now staring at the ceiling with great fascination. He suddenly fell sideways onto Doom and gestured upwards.

"Don't look now, Doom, but there's _aliens_ in the sky!" Lief had to put his fist almost in his mouth to stop himself from laughing out loud. Doom rolled his eyes.

"No, Barda. That's the chandelier."

"You sure?"

"I'm positive." He made no move to push Barda off, and instead draped an arm around the palace guard chief's shoulders, holding him still. Barda drank from the bottle again, still staring at the ceiling. He then lowered his gaze and turned to Doom. He lifted his free hand and poked at the scar on Doom's face.

"I have one of those, but it's not on my face." He pushed open his jacket and undid a couple of buttons on his shirt, pointing at the thin scar in the middle of his chest. "Look, it's there instead." Doom couldn't resist a small smile.

"Yes, Barda, I know." He pulled Barda's shirt closed again. Marilen turned to the others.

"Is it just me, or is drunk Barda ever so slightly adorable?" Jasmine nodded.

"I think so too." Lief nodded. It was certainly a different Barda than he was used to, but he had to admit that he liked this Barda. He watched Barda raise the bottle again, but his aim was off and he ended up spilling some of the whiskey down the front of his shirt.

"Oops." Barda laughed. Doom rolled his eyes again and steadied Barda's hand.

"Would you like a straw?" Barda nodded frantically, and Doom reached into the liquor cabinet beside where they were sat, producing a long straw, which he dropped into Barda's bottle. "There you go. Enjoy."

"You sound like you've had some experience of this, Doom." Ranesh commented. "Have you had to deal with a drunk Barda before?"

"Many times." Doom told him. "It can get frustrating, but it's hard not to forgive him when he gives you that look." He gestured to the look Barda was currently giving him – the look commonly referred to as the 'puppy-dog eyes'. "Besides, at this stage, he can be rather entertaining." Barda was almost in Doom's lap at this point, leaning so far back that Lief was sure he would choke on his drink if he wasn't careful.

"I always wanted to be a pirate, you know." Barda said randomly. "Cause pirates are cool. Not all of them – some of them are just, like… what? But then others are like… yeah."

"What?" Lief asked, confused. Doom grinned.

"I've learnt to just smile, nod and agree with whatever he says." He said to him, turning to smile at Barda. The palace guard chief moved as if to get up, but instead fell backwards and ended up completely in Doom's lap. He burst out into laughter for a moment, before grinning up at Doom.

"You know what? You're a good man, Doom." He smiled, before reaching up and – to everyone's surprise – kissing Doom's cheek. Doom smirked.

"Thank you, Barda." Doom seemed completely unfazed by the affectionate kiss, and so Lief assumed that he was used to such things from a drunk Barda. Doom threaded his fingers through Barda's hair and let them rest on the back of his head, mostly to keep his head from lolling backwards over the arm of the chair, and to support him as he attempted to drink through the straw once again. After a while, Barda held the bottle away from him and shook it in Doom's face.

"It's all gone!" He whined. Doom smiled and took the empty bottle from the drunk man before it ended up in someone's face, setting it down on the table. "Why's it all gone?"

"Because you drank it all."

"No I didn't." Lief expected to see a daft grin on Barda's face at those words, but to his surprise, Barda seemed completely serious.

"Yes, you did." Doom sighed. "I just watched you drink it all."

"No you didn't." Doom rolled his eyes.

"Okay, come on. Time for bed." He pushed Barda off his lap gently, but he'd consumed so much alcohol that it was enough for him to go sprawling onto the floor. He picked himself up, resting on his hands and knees, and shook his head vigorously.

"Whoa…" He looked up at Doom. "Are you okay?" Lindal was trying her hardest not to burst out laughing. Doom was also struggling to keep a straight face.

"Come on you drunkard." He bent down and held out his hands to Barda, who held onto them tightly. Doom hoisted him to his feet, catching him expertly as he stumbled, and holding onto him tightly. "I don't suppose any of you could give me a hand? I can get him up the stairs okay, but doors are a problem…"

"We'll all help." Marilen declared, jumping up and pulling Ranesh with her. Lief, Jasmine, Lindal and Sharn also stood up, and Doom smiled gratefully.

"Barda… are you able to walk at all?" Barda grinned.

"Of course I am!" He pushed away from Doom and swayed slightly, but regained his balance. He went to take a step forward and instantly fell over. "Wow… I didn't know we had moving floors in this place…" Jasmine covered her mouth to stifle a laugh. "O-okay… Doom… I need a hand getting up. If I move too much I might fall off." Lief was laughing silently beside Ranesh, who mouthed the words 'fall off what?' to Sharn. Doom helped Barda back up

"Right, there's only one safe way for us to do this, Barda. Stand still for a moment." Of course, that was impossible for Barda to do, but Doom hardly expected him to be able to stand completely still at this stage. He hooked an arm behind Barda's knees and with one swift manoeuvre, lifted him bridal-style into his arms. "Hold on Barda, don't want to fall off now do we?" Barda shook his head and draped his arms around Doom's neck. "Right, let's go."

With Lief, Jasmine and Sharn ahead of him, and Lindal, Ranesh and Marilen behind him, Doom carried Barda out of the dining room and up two flights of stairs to the second floor, where Barda's room was situated. Lief went to open the door, only to find it locked. Doom sighed.

"Barda, where's the key to your room?" Barda grinned and stuffed his hand into one of his pockets, producing a key. Lief took it and opened the door, stepping back to let Doom go in first with Barda. He walked over to the bed immediately and placed Barda down on it. "Thank you. If you wish to leave, you can. I can do the rest by myself."

"What else is there to do?" Marilen questioned. Doom smiled.

"You have no idea how long it takes to get him into bed." He was unlacing Barda's boots as he spoke, dropping them to the floor afterwards. As he slipped off the jacket and draped it over a chair, Barda tried to sit up. "No, no. You need to stay in bed." Doom pushed him back down and began to unbutton Barda's shirt.

"Uh, Doom… what are you doing?" Lief asked, frowning slightly. Doom didn't turn around when he answered.

"I'm undressing him. He hates sleeping in his clothes and he's always more cranky in the morning if I leave him like this." The shirt came off, followed by the pants, and then Doom was pulling the blankets up over a nearly unconscious Barda.

"Doooom…" Barda murmured, grabbing the front of Doom's shirt and pulling him down towards him. "Goodnight kiss?" Doom smiled.

"Alright, but only a quick one." With the others watching on in shock, he pressed his lips to Barda's. Lief saw Barda smirk into the kiss and one hand came up around Doom's neck, fingers tangling themselves into his hair and holding his head in place. After a moment or two, he let Doom go. "Tsk, tsk, Barda. I said a quick one." Barda simply grinned at him.

"Mmm… I go sleepy now?" Barda murmured in a thick, drowsy voice. Doom smiled and brushed back the hair from Barda's forehead.

"Yeah. You go sleepy now." He leant down and kissed his forehead, before moving to walk away. Barda, now only half-awake, reached out and caught Doom's wrist in an iron grip. "Barda, let go. I need to leave now." Barda did not let go. Doom sighed. "Alright, alright. Fine." He shoved Barda over in the bed and sat down on it beside Barda, who instantly turned and curled into him. Doom sat back and relaxed, running his fingers through Barda's hair in a soothing motion. The palace guard chief was soon deep asleep. "I know you're all wondering about this," he gestured to the situation he was in, "but it's not what you think it is. Barda's just a little more… friendly… when he's under the influence. I'll be here all night now, because he's pretty stubborn even in his sleep." They all laughed quietly, and bid their goodnights, all thinking about the unusual behaviour between Barda and Doom.

*

"Owww…" Barda groaned, turning over in the bed, one hand to his forehead. He kept his eyes tightly screwed shut, lest any light get through to his pounding head.

"Hangover?" Doom chuckled, standing beside the bed with a glass of water and a couple of pills in one hand.

"No shit." Barda muttered, blindly reaching out for the pills and shoving them in his mouth, swallowing them down with water. "I think this is the worst one yet…" Doom smiled sympathetically and climbed onto the bed.

"Come on, you know what to do." Barda instantly shifted position so that he was in between Doom's legs, leaning back against him. Doom instantly threaded his fingers in Barda's hair and began to gently massage his head – the perfect hangover cure. Slowly, Barda felt the pain subside and he even dared to open his eyes. "Better?"

"Much." He turned slightly so that his legs were draped to one side and pressed his cheek to Doom's firm chest. "Thank you." Doom smiled and curled his arms around him, holding him tightly.

"You're welcome." He waited a moment. "So… are you going to tell me what is was this time?" Barda went rigid in his arms and Doom sighed. "Come on, Barda. You don't ever drink that much unless something seriously bothers you."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well you're going to have to, because I'm not letting you leave this room until I know what's going on." He forced Barda to look him in the eyes. "You've been drinking heavily for almost a week straight, Barda, and I don't like seeing you like that. It may be highly amusing to everyone else, but to me… well, I know that you drink because you're hurting on the inside, and I hate not knowing if you're going to be okay or not."

"It's nothing." Barda pushed away from Doom and stood up, walking to the other end of the room. He stood in front of the full-length mirror and scowled. "Did I get into a fight or something?" Doom walked up behind him.

"A couple, apparently." He put his arms around Barda's waist and smiled sadly at him through the mirror. "What have I done?"

"What?" Barda frowned.

"Well if you won't tell me, then I assume it's something to do with me." He explained. "Barda, you tell me everything these days. So what is it that I've done that's made you so upset?" Barda avoided Doom's gaze in the mirror. "Please, Barda… I want to help. I want to know, so that I can fix it."

"You can't fix it." Barda murmured. "And you haven't done anything wrong… except…" Doom walked around so that they were facing each other.

"Except what, Barda?" Barda slowly met his gaze.

"Except make me fall in love with you." Doom froze. He had not been expecting that, at all. "I don't know how it started, but I guess it was all the attention you gave me when I was drunk… it all just built up inside me and a week ago I realized that I… that I love you."

"Oh, Barda…" He pulled Barda into a hug, not missing the glistening sheen in the chief's eyes. "That's what has gotten you so upset? Why didn't you say something before?"

"Because I thought you'd hate me." He murmured. "And I didn't want you to stop being so nice to me, even if it meant getting so drunk I couldn't remember what I did that night." Doom pulled back and put a hand to Barda's cheek.

"I can't hate you, Barda." He smiled. "I wish I could tell you that I love you, too… but I don't know if I do or not. I mean, yes, I care a lot about you and we have gotten a lot closer as of late, but… love? I don't know…" He leant forward and kissed him quickly. "But you don't have to be drunk to get my attention anymore, okay?"

"Okay." Barda returned the smile.

"Good. Now get dressed and I'll make you breakfast." Barda grinned and kissed Doom's cheek before digging out some fresh clothes from his closet. Doom touched the spot on his cheek and smiled fondly at Barda. Maybe it wasn't love, but it was something damn near close enough.

* * *

_**Author's Note:** I hope you enjoyed that! Was fun to re-write, I tell you that. Plus drunk Barda IS the most adorable thing in the world (well, he can be... he can also be quite pervy, among other things. Just ask Lindal - she'll tell you about the 'I Wanna Take You To A Gay Bar' incident. XD I'm sure only LadyLapisLazuli will understand that joke...) So please review XD_


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